Went through the last of the cabin wreckage today. Again, there wasn't much to speak of. Just some bent cans of bread and a few more leftover bottles of the Captain's delicious alchy-brine. Seriously, I've probably pushed two dozen boulders down mountainsides in my life, never once did I ever cause any harm that I know of. Not sure where the Captain went. Found his clothes and peg leg with a pile of meat around it. He probably off with one of his "Lasses" or something. Can someone tell me what "Lasses" are, please?
Anyway, I've been forced to pitch a tent. That is, I threw some old carpet I found over a low hanging branch. Tent life is alright, but I can tell I have some things to learn. Here are some basic rules I've discovered since pitching my tent:
1) If you get the hankering for a fireplace and want to cut a hole in the roof of the tent -- don't. Chances are, even if you get it working, it's going to rain eventually and then you just have smoke and water on your hands. That's not good for anything, unless you're looking for a reason to sing "Smoke On The Water", but even then, the relationship is tenuous at best.
2) If you can, try to use a tent with a closing door. It keeps things out. For some reason, a tent with two open sides is a green light for wolves and such to run right through. It's like some kind of game for them. Not much of a game, I know, but come on, they're wolves.
3) If you're trying to ward off unwanted visitors, don't bother painting a frowny face on the side of your tent. Oddly enough, this just makes people more curious.
4) You can't hang pictures in tents, so don't bother hammering nails in the tent walls.
5) Tents don't need to be properly zoned, so you're pretty safe tenting most places. That said, don't pitch a tent in anyone's house.
6) Sometimes tents are hard to set up, but don't get too frustrated. Tents are inanimate and dont feel it when you hit them.
7) If you read rule #6 and think, "Hey, if tents can't feel pain, why can't we make tent soldiers to fight our wars for us?" just forget that right now. I already came up with that idea and it's mine.
8) Tents are not soundproof and the woods are pretty scary sounding at night. Here's the good news: sounds can't hurt you. Just imagine you're sleeping in your grandparents basement. Imagine those wolf howls as creaks coming from the water heater, imagine owl hoots as drips from a leaky pipe, imagine leaves rustling as your grandfather crying about the onset of Alzheimer's.
9) Tents are not impervious to fire, so if a forest fire does occur, pack up and leave instead of just blowing raspberries from your tent at the approaching flames.
10) If for some reason you lose, burn, or eat your tent in a hunger pang induced madness, there are plenty of other places to find shelter in the woods. There are knotholes in trees, eagles nests, leaf piles, dried out bogs, hollowed logs -- really, just follow an animal back to its home and take it as your own. Keep in mind, your new shelter is just as susceptible to damage as your tent is, so be careful... unless you found a way to live in a boulder. If you did, congratulations. I think you're the top of the food chain now.
