Get Involved: Healthcare

I don't often do this, but we're at a crossroads here.  The Senate is about to engage in a debate over its version of the healthcare bill.  I know for many, it's tough to just sit back and watch history pass by, so here are some of my sure-fire tips for how YOU can get involved!

- Marching: People like to march in groups, but that requires planning.  I prefer to march on my own.  Especially in a scary outfit around some corner.  Then, when someone comes around said corner, I've really concentrated my impact.  Try to avoid marching in Senior Communities, by the way.

- Cold Calling: This is just picking up the phone, mashing the buttons, and talking to whoever comes up on the other line.  Try to focus on people who are grieving or just woke up -- they're the most susceptible to your talking points.

- Facebooking: Just copy and paste a photo of a bandaged pet into your status and just write "healthcare reform" underneath.  It'll be sure to move someone more powerful than you to take action.  Generations ago, people preferred MySpacing to Facebooking.  Just a little history there.  Don't use MySpace for anything.

- Viral Marketing: Create an eye catching advertisement, like a used band-aid that says "touch me" right above it.  A couple weeks later, your unsuspecting public will be so sick they'll have to take an interest in healthcare reform.  This also works with putting raw sewage in the water supply, or just not washing your hands.

- Piggybacking: Should President Obama sign the bill into law, go in and throw your signature on there!  Anywhere's fine -- no one ever looks at those things again, and you'd be surprised how little security there is once those documents have been signed.  Ask for Murray in "Records", throw him a Mad Magazine, then get to signin'.

There!  Now that you've helped shape history, find another issue you care about -- and feel free to experiment with these methods.  After all, history doesn't happen, it's made... by people with the scariest marching costume possible.  Have fun!

Get Involved: Healthcare

Falcon Grey

You will call me Falcon Grey.

Falcon Grey

I Hit A Gypsy

I was driving to the bank, and guess what... I hit another gypsy today.   That's the fourth gypsy this month, the fifteenth since the beginning of October.  It's like some sort of government conspiracy or something.  But what kind of government would stage such a conspiracy?  That doesn't make much sense.

It started on October 1st at around 4PM.  I was on my way to get my first sandwich of the month: a Chicken Parmesan sandwich.   Yum, I know.  To be honest, I wasn't even looking at the road.  I was just following the dot on my phone's GPS, which is a little game I like to play, y'know, just to see how close I can park to my destination without using my eyes.  Honestly, I don't know how blind people do it consistently.  I mean, sure, sometimes I can get surprisingly close!  But not this time.  This time I hit a gypsy.

Her name was Esmeralda.  She wasn't hurt, but I did break some ornate vase filled with dust or something.   I kept asking questions and answering them myself, like, "Why were you carrying that around?" and then, "That seems dumb."  I think I was nervous.   Then, with an outstretched, trembling hand, she whispered something foreign.  I laughed (my natural reaction when I hear foreign talk) but when I was done dong my best old, drunken gypsy impression to the crowd of onlookers (great crowd) she had vanished!

That was the first gypsy I hit, but it wasn't the last.   I hit one pulling into a Sonic, one turning off the highway, two driving up a parking garage ramp (one on level 2, one on level 4), two pulling out of the Sonic, two pulling into a drive in movie theater, one opening up my door, one doing donuts at the High School parking lot (kind of my bad), ALMOST hit one in Gypsy Town, then three standing in a line as soon as I left Gypsy Town (figures, right?), then the one today.   I don't care who you are -- that's a lot of gypsies.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Gee, Lars.  You must be in jail right now, what with all these gypsies piling up."  Well, not so!  I'm blogging from my sittin' bucket, like I always do -- safe at home.   No legal recourse, no jail time.  Why?  Well, here's the thing I learned, when you hit a gypsy they do two things: utter some spooky foreign gibberish and then... they vanish.  I reported each and every incident, but by the time the cops arrive all I've got to show for my kooky story is a dented car.  And then the patronizing cops start saying, "Ohhhh suuuure, we believe you... A lot of vanishing gypsy cases this time of day, uhuh..." with their winks and their nods.  I really hate that.  But can I blame them?  If I were me listening to myself explain it, I think I'd look pretty crazy, don't you?

Why is this happening?  I was talking to my friend Mike, and HE thinks that all that funny foreign gypsy talk have been curses.  That made sense to me, but Mike has a way of putting things that just makes him sound like an idiot.  So I called him an idiot and walked away.  But even if they are curses, aren't curses supposed to be bad for me and not them?  Why would they want me to keep hitting and vanishing them?  It just doesn't make much sense.  Plus, I have to say, ever since I started hitting gypsies... I haven't felt better!  Food tastes better, sleep is more satisfying, the upper respiratory infection I had when I hit the first gypsy cleared up immediately, and I can hover!  In fact, I seem to be growing stronger and more powerful with each gypsy I hit.  The only annoyance, really, are the recurring dents on my car... but I don't really mind it.  Sure it's unsightly, but, y'know, it had a couple dents in it from before.  Besides, it still gets me from A to B.

I guess the real question is what happens to the gypsies AFTER they vanish??  Do they cease to be, or are they transported back to their homes (Teepees?) no harm done?  I ask not because of some desire to perceive the world beyond, but to figure out if the "Gypsy Buster" gypsy elimination service I'm launching next month can deliver on its promises.  Y'know, people call in, say, "I've got this gypsy on my front lawn hangin' around the birdfeeder, can you take care of it?" Then I go over there, I got sort of a safari big game hunter outfit I wear, y'know, part of the show.  After that I just drive around for a while... odds are I'll get 'em eventually.  Then I collect my fifty bucks and go home.  Hey, this is a rough economy right now, I've got to monetize this gift I have.  Yes, I know it's weird to look at it that way, but it is a gift.  I've found my calling.  It's liberating!  Never again will I have to suffer through another Thanksgiving listening to Aunt Matilda drone on and on about her Comptroller son.  Finally, I'll be able to knock the crescent roll out of her hand and tell her, "Save it, Matty... because I'm doing my own thing.  I've found my star.  I murder gypsies for fifty dollars."

I Hit A Gypsy

Keeping Halloween Alive

So, Halloween is over, but that doesn't mean the Halloween spirit can't live on inside all of us!  Here are some ways to keep Halloween throughout the upcoming holiday season (and make sure others do the same)...

- Instead of saying "cool" try saying "spooky".

- Next time you're in a bank or a post office, ask them where all the halloween candy went.  When they try to explain, just look really sad.

- When you go to the supermarket, make a habit of replacing apples with tiny pumpkins.  Eventually, the higher ups will get the message.

- Start wearing costumes and carrying a bag of candy in public.  Skip around, sing, and always look like you're having a great time.  You'd be surprised how infectious that kind of enthusiasm is.

- Throw some Santa hats on your Jack-O-Lanterns and, voila!  No more carolers.

- Instead of saying "yes" try saying "murder".

- File some complaints against your co-workers, identifying them as witches.  You'd be surprised, most Human Resource departments actually have paperwork for this.

- Try making Jack-O-Lanters out of other holiday symbols, like a turkey or baby Jesus.

- If you get a Christmas card in the mail, send it right back with some cool, gory hand-scrawled doodles.

- Make every Christmas gift you give a screamer.

- Any time you see a calendar, replace "Thanksgiving" with "Hallowhoa" and "Christmas" with "Mr. Spookington's Haunt"

- Make a point to scream "BOO!" every time you walk around a corner.

- Instead of eating apple pie, try brains.

There.  If those methods don't work or get you put in jail, you're probably doing it wrong.  Keep trying, and have a great Hallowhoa!

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Keeping Halloween Alive