Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Ready, Set... JOB!
Let's face it -- job interviews are hard. I've gone on more job interviews than I can count (oneteen?), and sometimes I can still feel like a babe in the woods (see "Meaningless Analogies" below). Having a great interview is dependent on practice, preparation, and hard work... but, come on, the game's on. So, you wake up hung over with a butt on your thing and a thing in your butt, and you realize you have an interview. You gotta go and you're not ready. Here are some last minute tips to STAND OUT!
One minute you're driving purposefully to the job interview that could change your life, the next you're nervously handing your resume to a cactus in a vacant lot. First you wonder if this is the job for you... then you realize, it was EAST Mansfield, not WEST Mansfield! This would never have happened if you got the address right, but it's too late for that -- what you need now is a sweet excuse. Call up your prospective employer and don't just tell them that you're running late, or that traffic is bad -- give them a real doozy! After all, this is your first impression. STAND OUT! Choose a dramatic excuse that emphasizes how awesome you are:
- "I found a space rock that, through legitimate science, has heightened all of my marketable job skills."
- "I got roped into a historical re-enactment due to my striking resemblance to George Washington."
- "I saw your competitors on a corporate outing. I systematically gave them all wedgies and noogies. Anyway, they offered me a six figure salary... ball's in your court."
They've bought your excuse (of course) and now you're sitting across from the Hiring Manager... but, he's peppering you with all these tough, probing questions about "foreign investment risk matrix" and "lack of employment history" and so on. All you can think about is the comforting desolation of that vacant lot, but don't stall -- STAND OUT! If presented with a question you don't know the answer to (or can't understand) just throw out some old timey cliches:
Hiring Manager: "So, Lars, what's your take on accretable yield?"
Lars: "Dollars to doughnuts!"
Hiring Manager: "...What?"
Lars: "A miss is as good as a mile."
Hiring Manager: "I'm... sorry. I think you should leave."
Lars: "An old dog for a hard road."
Hiring Manager: "Oh, okay. I get where you're coming from. Good save."
See? Just keep throwing them out there -- eventually you'll hit on one that they think makes sense. No one knows what any of those things mean.
So, you've nailed the interview and it's time to say goodbye. There are a couple ways to do this:
- A handshake and a smile are as good a way to go out as any... but in this economy you have to, that's right, STAND OUT! Offer the handshake, but slickly pull it away to stroke your flowing mane as you slink out with a frown. When it comes time to hire, you can bet the higher-ups will be saying, "Who was that frowny cool guy?? He meant business."
- Cleverly fold a twenty dollar bill and press it into the palm of your hand. Then, cleverly unfold it and hold it right up to the Hiring Manager, proudly. Knowing you're the kind of man that can get twenty dollars will put you over the top, for sure.
- Everybody leaves an interview through the door. Come on... are you really just another door using sheep? Look around for your nearest air duct, window, or security exit. Also, as you leave, yell random numbers and animals into your wrist. Exiting with a "EAGLE! ONE! FERRET! NINE!" will show your prospective employer that you've got other things going on... you don't need this job!
Awesome exit. Now, all you can do is wait for the call. For some, this is the hardest part. Maybe you're thinking, "Shouldn't I call them back? Maybe show your appreciation by sending them a ticking clock? Maybe surprise them in their car after work with a thank-you scream?" I can tell you first hand, sucking up won't do you any good. I know it's nerve-racking, but the most important thing you can do now is surround yourself with friends... specifically, the dumbest, dirtiest, most depressing friends you have. Being enveloped by mediocrity will prove a constant reminder that, no matter what the outcome of your call, they will still be here. Still hiding cash in the knothole of the old oak tree, still sleeping on a futon mattress propped up with used tires, still sneaking food from the neighbor's bird feeder. No matter how many interviews you botch, no matter what lame job you fall into, and no matter what paltry sum you die with... you will never be worse than them... never......................................................................................... STAND OUT!
1. Dude, Where's My JOB INTERVIEW?!? (RECORD SCRATCH)
One minute you're driving purposefully to the job interview that could change your life, the next you're nervously handing your resume to a cactus in a vacant lot. First you wonder if this is the job for you... then you realize, it was EAST Mansfield, not WEST Mansfield! This would never have happened if you got the address right, but it's too late for that -- what you need now is a sweet excuse. Call up your prospective employer and don't just tell them that you're running late, or that traffic is bad -- give them a real doozy! After all, this is your first impression. STAND OUT! Choose a dramatic excuse that emphasizes how awesome you are:
- "I found a space rock that, through legitimate science, has heightened all of my marketable job skills."
- "I got roped into a historical re-enactment due to my striking resemblance to George Washington."
- "I saw your competitors on a corporate outing. I systematically gave them all wedgies and noogies. Anyway, they offered me a six figure salary... ball's in your court."
2. Meaningless Analogies
They've bought your excuse (of course) and now you're sitting across from the Hiring Manager... but, he's peppering you with all these tough, probing questions about "foreign investment risk matrix" and "lack of employment history" and so on. All you can think about is the comforting desolation of that vacant lot, but don't stall -- STAND OUT! If presented with a question you don't know the answer to (or can't understand) just throw out some old timey cliches:
Hiring Manager: "So, Lars, what's your take on accretable yield?"
Lars: "Dollars to doughnuts!"
Hiring Manager: "...What?"
Lars: "A miss is as good as a mile."
Hiring Manager: "I'm... sorry. I think you should leave."
Lars: "An old dog for a hard road."
Hiring Manager: "Oh, okay. I get where you're coming from. Good save."
See? Just keep throwing them out there -- eventually you'll hit on one that they think makes sense. No one knows what any of those things mean.
3. Sealing The Deal
So, you've nailed the interview and it's time to say goodbye. There are a couple ways to do this:
- A handshake and a smile are as good a way to go out as any... but in this economy you have to, that's right, STAND OUT! Offer the handshake, but slickly pull it away to stroke your flowing mane as you slink out with a frown. When it comes time to hire, you can bet the higher-ups will be saying, "Who was that frowny cool guy?? He meant business."
- Cleverly fold a twenty dollar bill and press it into the palm of your hand. Then, cleverly unfold it and hold it right up to the Hiring Manager, proudly. Knowing you're the kind of man that can get twenty dollars will put you over the top, for sure.
- Everybody leaves an interview through the door. Come on... are you really just another door using sheep? Look around for your nearest air duct, window, or security exit. Also, as you leave, yell random numbers and animals into your wrist. Exiting with a "EAGLE! ONE! FERRET! NINE!" will show your prospective employer that you've got other things going on... you don't need this job!
4. The Waiting Game
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
